InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "It's all about Teh Love"

Astoria Greengrass (ttw_astoria) wrote,
@ 2009-06-10 20:15:00

028
For the longest time, I've had nearly nothing to write about. And now, I find myself laying here ~~next to Stephen~~, and I have so many thoughts, so many things that need to be written down. If for no one else, than my own peace of mind.

The past few weeks, I have seen people come and go through the halls of St. Mungos. So many of them, my age or younger. I've seen some die, others recover, and now I get to see some even go home. Back to thier lives, and I'm so happy for them. They didn't deserve what happened to them. None of them did. There's a certain few who had to deal with so much more than they ever should have endured. I won't go into it, because for those who don't know, it is not my place to say. It bothers me, makes me feel so horrible, when I sit here and think about what's happened to me in the past. And then, I think about how others have had to deal with so much more. I'm still bothered by what's happeend to me. I won't lie anymore. But I need to come to grips with it, and move on.

For those who care to know, in April, when Hermione and I were abducted, I wound up on the wrong side of the Cruciatus curse. Twice. My attacker? The sick bastard that continues to harass me over the journals. Why don't I ignore him? Hex my entries from him? I don't know! Even this one. I can't bring myself to do the most simple thing and hex it from him. And I'm sure very soon I'll have some sort of comment from him. After all, he likes to tell me just how stupid I am. And what's sad about my time hidden away where ever it is we were taken? It wasn't the curse. No. The worst thing for me was being left alone. I never thought I needed people until then. Again, still not as bad as what others have gone through. And, this shall be the last time I talk about this. ~~For the world to see, atleast.~~

Good, now... I've begun to write again. Nothing too fantastic. But its a start to getting back to my old self and hobby. Maybe some day, I'll brave allowing people to read it. For now, it's in a different journal all together. A non-magical one. One that I won't lose again.

Last thing on my mind? I've been staying with Stephen for a week, tomorrow. Tomorrow I move back into the flat I share. There's a small part of me that's ecstatic about moving back. At least that way, I can't get on Stephen's nerves. But, I lay here, looking around the room... And I don't want to leave.

I should stop now, I guess. I might write something I later regret. So, I'm leaving all of you with one more thing!

(Post a new comment)

	Astoria ttw_pucey 2009-06-10 08:57 pm UTC (link)
	I was actually going to comment and say that this entry into your journal was above your typical ramblings, but then I got to your inane scribble at the end. Congratulations! You are still an idiot! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Adrian ttw_astoria 2009-06-10 09:11 pm UTC (link)
	I actually had some time and things to write about. But then, I looked over and noticed Stephen and had to write what I did at the end. And, I figured you'd tell me that. Congratulations on continuing to be predictable. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Astoria ttw_pucey 2009-06-10 09:20 pm UTC (link)
	Wasting thought on you is not on my priority list. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Adrian ttw_astoria 2009-06-10 09:22 pm UTC (link)
	Well then, you know how I feel when I make the dog comments. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Astoria ttw_pucey 2009-06-10 09:47 pm UTC (link)
	Touche! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	ttw_ginny 2009-06-10 09:25 pm UTC (link)
	I don't really know how it's possible to come to grips with it, sometimes. And then I feel stupid and selfish for saying that - I'm alive, aren't I? Doesn't that make me far luckier than so many others? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Ginny ttw_astoria 2009-06-10 09:30 pm UTC (link)
	I don't know what exactly happened to you. And for that, I don't know what to say about coming to grips with it. I know that what I had happen was nothing compared to you and Hermione (twice for her!). You have no reason to feel stupid or selfish. But you're right, you are a live where many others aren't. That doesn't make it any better, though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Astoria ttw_ginny 2009-06-10 09:35 pm UTC (link)
	I can't imagine going through it twice. I don't know how Hermione's even coping at this point; she's so bloody strong. I'm trying to follow her example, you know? No, not really. I'm trying to think positively, but it's difficult. I'm hoping dress shopping this weekend will be a good distraction. I don't care if the healers tell me I can't go, I think I need it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ginny

ttw_astoria
2009-06-10 09:39 pm UTC (link)

Neither can I. I don't think I could have gone through what she did, once. I almost broke after what little I had gone through. I'm not as strong as people had tried to say I was. Now, I thought I was over it. That I had finally moved on. Then Pucey had to antagonize me again, and bring up every thing that had happened. I'm not as over it as I thought I was... But, that's not what we were talking about. I'm sorry.

You need a day out. You deserve it. And, you'll have a whole bunch of us there to keep you safe.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Astoria

ttw_ginny
2009-06-10 09:49 pm UTC (link)

Don't apologise - I think we could both use the talking. Hermione said I should talk to someone. I mean, I talked to her a bit, but I keep reaching a point where I don't know how to say anything more. Like I hit some kind of mental roadblock. But who better to understand this than the three of us?

I don't know I feel about Pucey. He helped save my life, you know. He told Harry and my brothers where I'd be. He came with them to get me. I owe him so much, and yet he's still so.... so Pucey. I don't know why he antagonises the way he does, why he says the things he does. I'm not sure I ever will.

That will be good, having so many of us there. Harry's coming, which I'm grateful for. I never thought I'd feel so much like... like a damsel in distress, but I can't help it much. This is the second time he's rescued me, now.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ginny

ttw_astoria
2009-06-10 09:54 pm UTC (link)

If you ever need someone to talk to. I'm only a journal away. Unless you'd like to talk in person. And then, I'm still just a journal away. I always have it with me at work, so I can always talk. Sometimes its easier when you don't really know the person. I remember after I was back at Hogwarts, you were the only person I had admitted anything to.

He has his moments, but I can not forgive him for what he's done to me. And what he continues to do. I hate him. And I have never hated anyone in my life.

I know you're not the damsel in distress type, but sometimes a girl needs to be. And after what you have gone through, I doubt anyone could fault you for it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Astoria

ttw_ginny
2009-06-10 09:59 pm UTC (link)

Thank you - I appreciate the offer. A lot. I know what you mean, and maybe that'd be what I'd need to start talking. I don't know. Maybe it'd do us both good, to talk in person. If only the circumstances were better.

I don't blame you. I don't think I can forgive him for what he did to you, even with everything he's done for me. I don't know how anyone can willingly hurt another person.

You're right, I think. And maybe it'll help, you know? To lean on someone for awhile. It takes the edge off, having him around. When he's here, I don't flinch at something stupid like the door opening. I keep expecting it to be Bole.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ginny

ttw_astoria
2009-06-11 07:24 am UTC (link)

Like I said, if you ever want to talk... I'm just a journal away. I'd even come meet you somewhere if you wouldn't want to be in public.

He's sick through and through. I don't understand what it is about me that has caused him to be like he is, but then he goes off to rescue you. Is there something terribly wrong with me or something? Sorry, I know you don't have an answer... but its the one thing that keeps playing through my head.

You have plenty of someones you can lean on. So if you need to lean on more than one, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. And you can't look at it like its a weakness. Its sort of like a mind reset. (if that makes sense) You're overwhelmed with what happened, right now you don't have to be the strong person, and you can let your mind and body heal and go back to normal. I can't explain what I meant any better, I'm sure I made it worse.

You're a very lucky girl to have Harry there. I would have expected he'd go running off to kill the bastard.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Astoria

ttw_ginny
2009-06-11 11:38 am UTC (link)

Thank you. I really appreciate that. It's a shame we never really knew each other back at school, you know.

No, it's not you. I can't even begin to understand how his mind works. I don't think we'll ever be able to figure that you, but it's not you. Don't blame yourself.

You didn't make it worse - I know what you're saying. And I know you're right, that's the thing. I know I should take this time to heal and rest and get better, but it's so hard to not feel weak most of the time. There's only been one other time in my life when everything was so out of my control - I hate that feeling. Knowing no matter how strong you are, that you can't do anything.

I know. He wants to - I think if I was feeling better he already would've. Right now I just want him to stay close by, but when I'm feeling more like myself... is it terrible that I want Bole dead?

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	Astoria ttw_cornfoot 2009-06-11 03:49 am UTC (link)
	I've just woke up and found this. You do know you're not annoying me, right? In fact, I'm not even sure that's possible. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Stephen ttw_astoria 2009-06-11 07:26 am UTC (link)
	Thank you. ~~But, I think I'm getting clingy. I don't want to drive you nutters with that, and I'm hoping if I go back to the flat, this will stop!~~ (Reply to this) (Parent)